


To Exhale

by dragonbugg



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, I took Finn and self-projected to my absolute hearts content basically, Nonbinary Character, Post-Canon, rated teen and up because i used ONE swear word, this is finn coming to terms with being nonbinary so they use she/her pronouns at first, this was so self-indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:27:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24699805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonbugg/pseuds/dragonbugg
Summary: As the adrenaline leaves her body, Finn wants to open the door and hug her. To collapse into her momma’s embrace and cry whatever this feeling is out. But she knows it won’t go away. It’s been nearly two years and she’s come to terms with the fact that it’s not going away. It's never going away.Breathing feels suffocating. It has for a while. She doesn’t remember the last time itdidn’tfeel that way. Couldn’t remember what it felt like to feel all of her breath come out.What iswrongwith her?
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra), Finn & Catra & Adora (She-Ra), Finn & Double Trouble (She-Ra)
Comments: 31
Kudos: 385





	To Exhale

**Author's Note:**

> I put this in the tags, but I'm putting it here too. Finn has she/her pronouns for a good chunk of this fic because it's them coming to terms with the fact that they're nonbinary.
> 
> Also, I barely edited this and wrote it at like 3am so if there's any mistakes I'm sorry

It started one day with this _feeling_ in her chest. Suffocating and trapping. Like her body was closing in on her until it was swarming with discomfort, discomfort, _discomfort._ It was foreign. A feeling that maybe she had felt before, but if she had it was never with this much intensity. It stung and felt wrong. Felt wrong everywhere.

She couldn’t pinpoint what it was. Why it was. Where it was.

Was it her body? Did she not like it? Some people talked about having body image issues, but she knew she was pretty, objectively speaking. She didn’t have a problem with the way she looked. She never had, why would it start now? Was it because she just turned 12? But that didn’t matter, because this wasn’t about that. It was some instinct inside repeating a mantra of _wrong_ over and over till it was encompassing. 

Overwhelmed, Finn stepped away from the mirror, flopping onto her bed, staring into the ceiling. Her neck didn’t have proper support like this and after a few minutes, it’d get sore. If she didn’t move, it’d crick and she’d feel even worse for the rest of the week, probably. Yet right now, she couldn’t find it in herself to care. The ceiling had so many little bumps it was hard to focus on one thing, it was dizzying. But not focusing meant not zoning out and not zoning out meant not thinking and not thinking meant avoiding whatever... Whatever _that_ was- or is.

Maybe it’d go away if she just ignored it.

\---

It didn’t go away.

It’s been a month and _it hasn’t gone away._

Finn, her moms, Aunt Glimmer and Uncle Bow had to go to the annual Princess Ball. Which means Finn has to wear something fancy. She doesn’t particularly like dressing up. Formal clothes are usually stiffer and all-around uncomfortable. They always had been. The fabrics didn’t help either. Either stiff and scraggly or too loose and silky. She didn’t want to be picky. She knows if she just went up to her moms they’d try to get her something more comfortable, but she doesn’t think it’s a big deal since it’s only one night.

She’s wearing a dress. She usually just goes with some dress pants and a blouse or something. She hasn’t worn a dress in a really long time. Since she was 5? Or was it 4? And again, she knows that if she just went up to her moms and asked “Sorry, can I wear something else? Wearing this dress feels wrong,” or, “Is it okay if I wear a suit instead?” they’d be perfectly fine with it. They wouldn’t say anything. Her mom never wears dresses for Etheria’s sake! Finn doesn’t think she’s ever _seen_ her mom wear one. But they both seemed excited to see her wear one for the first time in years. And for some reason, that excitement latched on harder than the mantra of _wrong_ did.

Finn couldn’t focus the rest of the night. She definitely spaced out more than once. It got so bad even her mom noticed. She lightly shoved Finn, gently prodding “What’s got you so broody? Finally jumping onto the teenage angst ride?” It was casual, sounded more teasing than anything, but Finn knew that was her mom’s way of asking “Hey, everything alright?”

Her momma’s questions were normal at first. She worried a lot, but tonight they turned into worried glances. Those were the worst, cause that meant that she could tell something was actually wrong.

But it’s fine. It was probably just the dress. It’s normal to not like some clothes, right?

She exhaled and it felt like she was choking.

\---

A year. It’s been a year and it hasn’t gone. It’s nauseating. Finn can’t remember the last time looking in the mirror didn’t leave her shaky and feeling woozy.

Gah! What is wrong with her?!

When she turned 13, Aunt Scorpia crushed her into a big hug and said something about how _you’re growing up too fast,_ and _soon you’ll be a young woman._

Finn doesn’t think the words “young woman” are supposed to sting the way they do. But oh, did they _sting_. At that moment, Aunt Scorpia’s hug felt suffocating, and not the good kind of way that they usually were.

When she got the first opening, she dipped out of the room and made a run for it. She found herself walking around the castle’s halls for what felt like hours, watching her feet each time they took a step at an attempt to keep the mantra away. Trying to feel anything besides _it_.

\---

Double Trouble came over.

That’s not uncommon. Far from it, actually. Double Trouble came over a lot. They were close to Adora and Catra. This time it was different though. Double Trouble had been busy the past year with some acting gig in the Crimson Waste. Finn never really noticed before, but for some reason, this time, it really stuck with her.

Double Trouble is nonbinary. Double Trouble uses they/them pronouns.

It’s not new information. Finn knows this and has for her whole life, but something at the back of her mind is telling her that it fits somewhere else too. And the mantra this time around is less of a _wrong_ and more of something out of place.

It’d feel comforting if she could figure out what that something was.

\---

Her moms are starting to get worried. Finn knows they can tell something is wrong. She got pretty good at hiding it for a while, but now it’s eating her up. She can’t ignore it. Yesterday, she looked in the mirror and got so frustrated with nothing and everything all at once that she broke down. She ripped her mirror off her wall in a hurried pace and shoved it into her closet, facing towards the wall. She thinks she heard it crack it in the process.

She stopped looking at her reflection all together. Flinched when she saw it in the windows as she walked by, in the water when she looked down at the fountains. She was sure she could handle maintaining her appearance. She didn’t need a mirror, she has had practice for years. But her momma helped her brush her hair before she left for school one morning saying something about it being messy and her mom noticed the eyebags.

Yeah, Finn hadn’t been getting sleep, but that’s not important! It’s unrelated! Everyone has sleep issues sometimes. She was fine! There was absolutely nothing wrong, _nothing_ happening. She was just feeling… stuff.

She didn’t know why she was feeling all of the things she was feeling. She knew she shouldn’t be bottling it up. Her moms were there for her, they always were. She just. She _just_ -

Her mom knocked, and when she got a small hum in reply from Finn, she walked into the room… And noticed the missing mirror. 

“We’re going to the bakery do you- What happened to your mirror?” She asked, staring at the empty wall that used to hold a mirror, more bewildered than accusatory.

But like the idiot Finn is, she answered with a panicked “I don’t know.”

Her mom seemed skeptical. “You don’t know where your mirror went?” 

“No.” Finn lied.

“So it just disappeared from your wall?” Confused, not angry, Finn noted. Not that her current feelings cared.

Curling her hands into fists, squeezing her claws into her palms, she stared at the floor as she raised her voice, “I don’t know. Why does it matter!”

She was shaking now. _Why was she shaking?_ She hadn’t meant to raise her voice. She didn’t even know why. For whatever reason, Finn just felt guilty. The utmost feeling of dread and guilt. Of _shame._

Her mom was clearly taken aback by the sudden outburst. Her neutral stance having fallen back into something more hesitant. With concern and confusion etched into her posture.

Finn’s breath started to quicken out of panic. Why? She really didn’t know. It just did. She dipped her head away from her mom’s stare and kept her eyes focused on the floor.

“Finn, why did you take your mirror off your wall?” It was obvious at this point that this wasn’t just about a mirror, but her mom didn’t know _what_ it actually was. Finn almost could’ve laughed at the fact that she didn’t know what it was either, but she was too shaky. Too much.

But her mom was concerned about something Finn didn’t understand. Finn didn’t want her to be. Didn’t want to acknowledge it when she felt like this.

“Because I didn’t like it there.” Not completely a lie.

“Did you… want to put it somewhere else?” 

Finn stayed silent.

“Finn, are you okay? You’ve been acting weird lately.” It wasn’t a question. She knew the answer. No, it was a demand. A demand said with unease. A demand too straight forward for it coming form her _mom_. Straight forward feeling things were momma’s territory. Fin’s being too obvious and the mantras back and it’s sending a sense of flight down to her bones.

Fight or flight feelings always had a way of taking over any sense of rationality she had.

“Just leave me alone!” Jumping off where she’s sitting on her bed, she makes a beeline for her door, standing behind it as she holds the handle. There are tears in the corners of her eyes threatening to leave any second. Shame, guilt, fear, fear, fear. Why was she scared? Her mom always listens, there's nothing to be afraid of.

But not knowing yourself is scary enough, isn’t it?

Her mom looks conflicted. She’s never been good at emotional conversations. In other situations, the thought of those awkward talks would make Finn laugh. But no, her mind was screaming at her to run, to get out, to- to do _something._

She realizes she’s crying when her mom opens her mouth to say something again, but before she can even make a sound she finds herself shouting this time. 

“GET OUT!” 

Despite wincing at the sound of her voice, she didn’t hesitate while practically shoving her mom out the door, slamming it once her mom passed the door frame. She locks it in a panic, dropping to the floor and curling up around her tail.

It’s a few seconds before she hears her mom reluctantly walk away. Probably to figure out what the _hell_ just happened. Finn isn’t really sure herself. 

Her claws are digging into her legs, but she doesn’t care. Everything else hurts too.

_Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong-_

Adora is at the door this time. She can tell it’s her because the knocking is tentative, gentle… “Finn?” ...and hesitant.

As the adrenaline leaves her body, Finn wants to open the door and hug her. To collapse into her momma’s embrace and cry whatever this feeling is out. But she knows it won’t go away. It’s been nearly two years and she’s come to terms with the fact that it’s not going away. It’s never going away.

Breathing feels suffocating. It has for a while. She doesn’t remember the last time it _didn’t_ feel that way. Couldn’t remember what it felt like to feel all of her breath come out.

What is _wrong_ with her?

\---

She got the left side of her head shaved into an undercut today.

For the first time when she looked into a mirror, it didn’t feel off.

The mantra was practically silent for the first time in two years. She didn’t know what to think about it.

\---

While Finn was hanging out with Jake, Glimmer and Bow’s son, they met up with one of his friends. After introducing herself, she asked for Finn’s pronouns.

She responded with she/her, obviously.

Now she’s stuck here wondering why it left a bitter taste in her mouth and why the mantra was louder than ever.

Finn knows why it’s there now _she_ thinks. _She_ just doesn’t have any idea how to go about it. _She_ needed to talk to someone.

\---

Double Trouble visited again. Finn went outside to sit in one of the palace gardens. When Double Trouble sought _her_ out, like they always did, Finn was ready.

They were talking about random things, mostly Finn asking Double Trouble questions about their latest gig when _she_ brought it up out of nowhere.

“How did you find-” A shaky breath. “How did you know that… youwerenonbinary?” 

Double Trouble’s brows raised, a little started by the sudden abruptness of the question, but when they looked over to Finn there was a knowing smile on their face.

“Oh, that’s kind of complicated. I guess I just felt a disconnect between what I was and who I am. Felt wrong in the right places." They paused. "Why do you ask, darling?"

"I think you already know," Finn reluctantly muttered towards the ground.

"Perhaps I do, but wouldn't it be much more liberating to say it out loud? The best act you get to play is yourself after all. Though I will admit, it _does_ get boring after a while."

Finn smiled, taking in what they said. She opened her—no, _their_ mouth to say it. Just three words. “I am nonbinary.” But nothing came out and instead, the two of them sat in silence until they were called in for dinner.

She—no, **they** were glad Double Trouble didn’t pry any further.

\---

They could do this. They _could_ do this.

All they had to do was sit down, and say “Mom, momma, I’m nonbinary.” Should be simple enough, right? It’s only a few words.

But it isn’t simple at all. Even though Finn knows their moms won’t have a problem with it. They wouldn’t have any issue in the _slightest._ It’s still difficult and scary. Maybe the idea of letting out a breath you’ve been holding for over two years is what’s so nerve-wracking about all of it. To finally feel the constant suffocating go. As terrible as it is, a constant is a constant no matter how debilitating. Maybe part of the anxiety is the irrational fear that there might be a small chance their moms won’t be accepting, that they won’t love them.

Crazy, right?

But that’s where Finn finds themself. Sitting at the breakfast table with their parents, poking at the pancakes with their fork instead of eating them like a normal person. And they’re definitely a normal person who isn’t about to burst at the veins because of high blood pressure. Nope, not at all.

Double Trouble would be disappointed in their acting skills at this moment. That’s for sure. 

“You gonna eat your pancakes or are you just gonna keep poking them like they’ll start crawling around?” Her mom quipped.

Finn stopped moving their fork and looked up, seeing the crease in her brows. She was either worried or judging. Definitely the former. Their momma was still eating, but her eyes were on Finn.

Oh, right, Finn was supposed to respond weren’t they? But what do they say? Just come out and say it? Or should they lead up to it? Maybe they should have thought this through more. Or maybe it was a bad idea in general, they could still back out. There was still the rest of the day, or tomorrow, or next week, or never-

“Hello? Etheria to Finn?” 

Their momma stopped eating. Shit.

“Hey, Finn? Are you okay?” 

Finn didn’t have the courage to look anywhere but the untouched food on their plate. They calmly, silently set down the fork, resting their arms on the table.

Why was this so hard? Why did it feel so suffocating?

In good news, the mantra was silent, but it’s existence lingered and it was tempted. One wrong move and it would engulf Finn, taking them into a neverending panic of _wrong_ and they don’t think they could get away in time before breaking down in front of their moms and-

“Finn?”

They looked up at their momma, who had placed her hand into Finn’s to stop them from clawing up their palm. Finn directed their gaze to their momma’s blue eyes. It was suffocating, too much, so they darted their eyes away again. They could feel their mom frowning from across the table.

Both of them thought Finn was upset, that something was wrong. And well, there was something wrong wasn’t there? Finn hadn’t told them who they were yet and they were their parents.

They opened their mouth, then closed it. Looked up again, this time into their mom’s eyes. Darted their’s away _again_ because eye contact was too much. Everything was too much. They were shaking again, they hoped no one noticed. 

Both of them did, they just didn’t say anything.

They let out a nervus huff of air. “Sorry, I’m-”

They thought about letting go of their mom's hand, but instead, they squeezed it a little tighter. It was kind of the only thing making them feel stable. 

Coming out to them of all people really shouldn’t be this hard. Their moms were always there. Always. They _loved_ Finn. No matter what happened, no matter what mistakes Finn made, they would always be supportive, they cared, they would never do anything to intentionally hurt them. So _WHY_ was it so scary to just say “Hey, I’m nonbinary!” Something that Finn _knew_ they would be fine with because their friend Double Trouble was literally-

They’re still staring, right, they’re waiting for more. Finn clenched their jaw. They clenched their jaw and it wouldn’t unclench and Finn was starting to freak out and they weren’t hiding the shaking as well as they were before, not that before was hiding it well either, and Etheria why is this always how their brain deals with stress? It helps literally no one, especially not Finn.

“You can tell us anything, you know that.” This time it was mom’s voice, not momma’s.

That’s all they needed.

“I’m nonbinary.” Way too much effort was put into not saying that too fast.

They looked up, their parents’ eyes were a little wider. Not in a bad way, just in a _this is not what I was expecting_ kind of way. They knew it was a good kind of shock because their momma’s hold on their hand grew firmer but no less gentle than before.

So they let out the breath they had been holding for two years. And with it came a shaky smile. “That’s all, sorry if I worried you.” A quick nervous laugh.

Their moms’ gentle smiles made them feel okay.

“They/them pronouns?” Their mom asked.

Finn _breathed_ out a “Yeah.”

“Did you want to use a different name?” 

“No, Finn’s fine.”

“I’m proud of you.” and “I’m glad you told us.”

Finn waited a few seconds before saying “Me too.” Picking up their fork and actually eating the pancakes this time.

They found each exhale felt more liberating than the last.

Yeah, this was Finn’s favorite act.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked this fic! I honestly would classify it as sort of a vent fic tbh, but I feel like it's not obvious enough to actually tag it as such.
> 
> I can't believe it's been 2 years since I've properly written something. 
> 
> My Tumblr is [ dragonbugg](https://dragonbugg.tumblr.com/)


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